The Goldilocks zone of parenting

My reminder not to become a helicopter parent

There is a thin band around a burning star where the temperature is just perfect for supporting life. 

If you get too far from the star, there is no heat. Nothing can grow. 

If you get too close to the star, there is too much heat. Nothing can grow. 

Growth can only occur in that special zone of just enough heat. In astrophysics, this special band of warmth around a star is known as the Goldilocks zone.

As humans, we all have our own Goldilocks zone. Too little heat - too little stress - and we get too comfortable and stagnate. Too much stress and we get overwhelmed and mentally or physically collapse under the strain.

Think of the last new skill you learned. 

For me, it was programming. Was it easy? Hell no. There were so many times where I would actually shake the monitor in front of me with frustration. 

Whenever we learn a new skill, we have to invest some combination of blood, sweat, tears and time. Mastery and growth can only occur in the Goldilocks zone - that special border between comfort and discomfort, between order and chaos, between support and challenge. 

As adults, we are each responsible for finding our own Goldilocks zone. 

But as parents, it is our responsibility to find it for our children. 

The classic example is the mandated “tummy time” to help Baby develop neck strength. We can’t go around holding Baby’s head up for him all the time. That applies no stress - no heat. His neck muscles would never even have a chance to develop if we did that. And too much tummy time all at once would exhaust the poor darling. It would be too much stress. But a few minutes of tummy time a few times a day? That’s his Goldilocks zone. 

And when Baby begins to protest, his little fists beating the floor with frustration, do we instantly pick him up?

No. Our instinct is to leave him for just a few more seconds. Frustration is fuel. It’s the sign of a newly developing skill. 

The instinct to find our child’s Goldilocks zone is sewn into the very fabric of our nature. We are constantly putting our children in situations with just enough heat. Then, we step back so that they can learn. 

Baby needs to learn how to reach for things? Put toys just out of his reach.

Baby needs to learn how to take his first steps? Stand a few steps away from him. 

Baby needs to learn how to fall asleep on his own? Put him down awake. 

We can’t protect our children from everything. And neither should we. When they take their first steps in a new skill, they will often fall. It is not our job to prevent the falling. Nor is it to always do the catching. It is our job to create an environment in which they won’t fall too far or too hard, and to teach them how to safely break their own fall.

If we shield our child from everything, they will never have a chance to grow. And if we neglect our child and let them figure out everything the hard way, they will venture too close to the blazing star and get burned. 

When I look down at my precious three month old daughter and see her rosy-cheeked face beaming up at me as she reaches for me with her chubby arms, I just want to hug her close to my chest and hide her from the world forever. But I know I can’t do that. And I shouldn’t want to.

A neglected child grows up psychologically fragile and is at a high risk for chronic anxiety [1]. But an overprotected child also grows up psychologically fragile and at a higher risk for chronic anxiety [2]. 

If my daughter lived a smothered life, it would be an empty and cold existence. As her mother, my greatest challenge will be to create her Goldilocks zone - to help her live a life not too hot, and not too cold.

My life's work will be giving her warmth. 

[1] Springer, K. W., Sheridan, J., Kuo, D., & Carnes, M. (2003). The long-term health outcomes of childhood abuse. An overview and a call to action. Journal of general internal medicine, 18(10), 864–870. https://doi.org/10.1046/j.1525-1497.2003.20918.x

[2] Marano, H. E., and Skenazy, L. (2011). “Why Parents Should Stop Overprotecting Kids and Let Them Play.” American Journal of Play.