What the heck is "fussing"?
Decoding the language of babies
In my quest to help my daughter learn the elusive art of falling asleep, I’ve come across this “fussing” term many times.
What does it actually mean? How is it different to crying?
Precious Little Sleep (the baby sleep bible) recommends a “Fuss It Out” method of sleep coaching as a gentle alternative to “Cry It Out.” This suggests that fussing is considered less stressful (to both parents and baby) than crying.
And I would agree.
To the untuned ear, babies can only vocally express themselves one way: by crying. But an astute parent attuned to their baby’s needs will quickly learn all the different cries of their little one. I was told this many times while pregnant, by many a knowing mother perched high on the saddle of their horse.
And I don’t mean the instinctual cries of a newborn who is driven by the black-and-white needs of hunger and safety. I’m talking about the cries of your post-newborn baby who is excitingly more nuanced. Their black-and-white life is now starting to be coloured with emotions - happiness, sadness, boredom, frustration. And these emotions are all expressed in the wordless language of babies.
To me, it seems particularly inefficient to have each mother learn this language the hard way (not to mention unfair to baby).
In this information-rich age, why can’t we learn from those that have gone before us?
So here is my interpretation of the different vocalisations of my baby as she learned to fall asleep, which I hope may help other new mothers out there.
In order of sounds most to least pleasing to a mother’s ear:
Babbling - I absolutely love this sound. It is like my daughter is talking to herself in a language of gurgles and coos. Babbling is one of her self-soothing techniques (lip smacking and finger-sucking being others). When she starts babbling, I know she is calm and very close to falling asleep.
Fussing - To me, fussing is when my baby makes intermittent noises of frustration, like grumbles, grunts and some yells. They give me the impression that she is decidedly annoyed and frustrated; annoyed at not being rocked to sleep in the warm arms of her mother, and frustrated at having to learn a new skill.
Cussing - I created this term to describe next-level fussing. It is a portmanteaus of “crying” and fussing - hence “cussing.” However, I put crying in quotation marks because it’s not what I would call real I-need-you crying (see below). Rather, it is instead more like a tantrum cry and doesn’t produce any tears. (If baby were a teenager, they would be slamming doors and screaming things like “I can’t believe you’re making me do this!”) It is the ultimate expression of frustration and if persistent and left unattended, cussing may sometimes escalate to crying.
Crying - This is the awful one. No mother wants to hear their baby truly crying. To me, true crying is something that should never be ignored. If my baby is crying, she is in some form of distress. She needs me. And I go to her the minute I hear it. Unlike the “crying” in cussing, true crying produces tears. Your poor little darling’s red face will be scrunched up in distress and you’ll often find there is a slight pause where she has to take a new breath to keep up with the intensity of her crying. You may also find your little one does those heartbreaking little hyperventilating sighs for some time after a bout of true crying.
You can hear what my daughter actually sounds like when she’s babbling, fussing and cussing below. (Note that crying isn’t included because the last thing I’m going to do if my daughter is crying is look for my phone to hit “record”!)
The language of babies is undoubtedly a mystical one. But it doesn’t have to be a mystery.
Let’s decode it together.