Give Baby A Chance

How I taught my baby to fall asleep without tears - Part 1 of n

Why “Part 1” when there are (at present) no more parts to this story? Because it simply feels too cocky to declare that my sleep problems are over. I’m sure this is just the beginning of a glorious and lifelong battle of wits between my daughter and I over our precious zzz’s. 

The good news is that things have markedly improved. The luggage under my eyes has returned to bags, and I no longer traipse through my days in a zombie-like stupor. 

My criteria for helping my 3.5 month old daughter learn how to fall asleep was simply this:

No crying it out. (I’m not tough enough to withstand more than even a minute of her crying.)

So here is what we did.

The dance of the little one: A play

Set the scene

After winding down with a couple of books, go into baby’s room and turn off the light, turn on the air-conditioner and soft lamp. Start playing a lullaby and white noise (in the background). We chose an orchestral version of “Tale as old as time” from Beauty and the Beast.

Costume change

Lay baby down on change table and change nappy (if necessary) and dress in sleep suit (or swaddle). Hum/sing loudly to the lullaby if baby already begins fussing.

Plot development

Pick baby up and hold/sway/cuddle baby while lullaby plays. The goal here is to get baby calm and drowsy to the point where you see a drooping eyelid or two.

Climax/complication

Put baby down in crib and say a chosen key sleepy phrase with a weighted press of your hand to their chest. Our sleepy phrase was (and is), “Time for sleep now. Night night. I love you.” Then turn off the lullaby and hide out of sight.

Resolution

Give Baby A Chance (see below) for 15 minutes if putting down for a nap, 30 minutes if putting down at bedtime or 10 minutes if handling a premature wakeup.

Intermission

Wait a few minutes to confirm baby is actually asleep and ninja creep out of the room.

Give Baby A Chance

You’ve just put baby down in their crib. One of three things will instantly happen. In order of most to least desirable, they are:

1. Baby stays blissfully quiet and puts herself to sleep (VICTORY!)

2. Baby starts fussing, or

3. Baby starts balls-to-the-wall crying interspersed with screaming.

If (1), internally high-five yourself and sneak out of that room. If (2), here is what you do.

Let baby fuss for a maximum of 5 minutes.

Their sleeping conditions have changed. They’re allowed to be a little grumpy about it! You’re giving them space to see what they do.

Again, one of those three things will happen:

1. Baby will quieten and fall asleep (VICTORY!),

2. Baby will fuss for the full five minutes, or

3. Baby will begin screaming for you.

If (1), let the internal high fives ensue. If (2), here is where you and baby do a little dance.

Basically, you’re going to play calm chicken with him.

Using as minimal intervention as possible, calm baby in the crib. Stop as soon as she quietens for more than a second or two. If baby starts fussing again, repeat. Keep going until the allotted time mentioned above has passed or until baby falls asleep (VICTORY!). The calming method we found that worked best was butt pats combined with shushes. (Our girl is a tummy sleeper.)

Now, what do you do if (3): baby’s fussing escalates to crying and screaming? Well, this violated my self-imposed “No crying it out” criteria. So if at any point my daughter went from grumpy fussing to I-need-you crying, I pulled the plug, picked her up and reassured her using whatever means necessary until she was calm. Then I did whatever it took to get her to have the nap. Wore her. Nursed her to sleep. Went for a drive. Whatever it took.

Not my baby

If you read the above and scoffed at the “calm baby in the crib” part, you’re not alone. I also scoffed whenever I read something similar in various other sleep coaching methods. 

The scoffing was because I was still scarred from a recent attempt at some gentle method of sleep training which involved me implementing the instructions and my daughter screaming her darling head off. But I now know there was a reason for that.

She wasn’t ready. 

Just like baby’s neck needs strengthening first before she can master the art of rolling, baby’s brain needs “strengthening” before she can master the art of falling asleep solo. Until then, she needs you. 

So if you try to Give Baby A Chance and he starts emitting that blood-curdling, heart-wrenching distraught scream, his brain is not ready yet. As brutal as it feels to say it, it is even more brutal to hear it. He still needs you to fall asleep and stay asleep.

I know - the prospect of continuing to wade through the thick fog of sleep-deprivation with no end in sight can feel like a punch to the guts. But do not despair, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Babies develop at an alarming rate. A lot can change in even a week. A week of growth to your baby is like a year to you. So give it one week. Then Give Baby A Chance again. She might just surprise you.

So, did it work?

In the spirit of the “it takes a village,” I meticulously documented our progress so that I could share that knowledge with new (and soon-to-be) mothers. Here is the rundown.

We successfully attempted Give Baby A Chance when she was 14 weeks old, starting with naps. On our very first attempt, she fussed for the full 5 minutes, so I had to play calm chicken with her. Surprisingly, it worked after only 5 minutes! Ladies and gentlemen, on her very first go, my daughter had taken that last crucial step - falling asleep - all by herself! 

Within 2 days, my little cherub miraculously started connecting sleep cycles. I was having to wake her from naps for the first time in my (and her) life! 

By week 4, she was fussing for less than 3 minutes when put down for naps. And by week 5, I only needed to play calm chicken with her for 1 out of every 5 naps. 

At the 6 week mark, she didn’t fuss at all and went down a dream for nearly all naps. (It was a rare put down where she fussed, and this was mom’s fault - I misjudged the wake window.)

Overall, it took about 9 weeks to go from my daughter essentially yelling “Like hell I’m going to sleep in that barren crib without you!” to calmly asking “Please put me down already mum, I’m tired and want to go to sleep!” 

In those 9 weeks, she fussed for a total of 174 minutes. She was never once left to cry. 

A word of caution

If you’re thinking of giving your own baby a chance, make sure you nail those wake windows. I used the Huckleberry app and found it was pretty darn accurate for most of them. Of course, my daughter’s cues trumped the app. If she started getting red around around the eyes or staring blankly off into the distance, I put her down toot sweet. 

Aftermath

Our little girl is now just shy of 9 months old. Did Give Baby A Chance solve all our sleep problems? Not forever. No strategy ever does. I’ve found that baby sleep is a constantly moving target because babies themselves are constantly moving targets. You need to be prepared to weather the storms of teeth, sickness, travel and leaps. 

But Give Baby A Chance did give us back our sanity and some precious zzz’s. 

And I hope it will do the same for you.